Dr. Newberger’s Approach to Mediation

The “Whatever It Takes” Approach

In the legal arena, one approach pushes parties toward agreement by whatever means necessary. Some lawyers want mediators to “bang heads” and pressure clients into settling, placing expedience above relational harmony. One mediator captured this attitude plainly:

“What’s wrong with head-banging and pressure? The parties come to me because they want to be out of there with a settlement by 6 p.m. I give it to them. And if it takes a little arm-twisting, so be it.”

The Non-Directive Approach

Other mediators recoil at this and swing to the opposite extreme, adopting what practitioners call the non-directive approach. Here, the mediator shows up but deliberately steps back, refusing to steer the parties in any direction. One mediator sheepishly admitted:

“I admit it: I have tried to nudge participants in mediation towards agreement. I know we are supposed to be indifferent to whether or not agreement is reached.”

Proponents of this model measure success not by settlement, but by the quality of the exchange itself. How the parties treat each other matters more than whether they reach an agreement. The quality of the interaction, not the outcome, drives everything.

In my view, this approach has little to do with peacemaking. In fleeing one extreme — the overbearing, settlement-obsessed mediator — its proponents ran straight into another: a mediator with no commitment to resolution at all.

The Reconciliation Model

A third approach draws its understanding from the word “peacemaker” itself. The term suggests action. According to Merriam-Webster, a peacemaker is “one who makes peace especially by reconciling parties at variance.”

I call this the Reconciliation Model. In my practice, my goal is not merely an agreement of terms — it is also a restored relationship. Accordingly, I am not “detached” and on neither side — I am immersed and on both sides at the same time.

What This Means for You

If you are experiencing conflict — whether a business dispute, a fractured partnership, or a personal falling-out — the approach your mediator takes matters enormously. A mediator who only pushes for settlement may leave you with a signed document and a broken relationship. A mediator who simply holds space may leave you with neither.

Mediators who embrace the reconciliation model start from a different premise:  people in conflict are looking to a third party help them do what they themselves could not do on their own:  make peace.  If this model of mediation resonates with you, I invite you to reach out to me directly to discuss your situation.